I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
