so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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