I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just had sex on a roof
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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