She is in my trunk
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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