The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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