new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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