I want you more than these girls want KFC
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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