Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
