Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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