I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
