totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
