You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
