well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
