you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
