Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
