I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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