how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
