can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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