You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
