We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
