I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
