Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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