my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
