My underwear smells like fireworks.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
