Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
