I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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