Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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