So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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