I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
