so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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