Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
