i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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