hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
