I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
