Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
