My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
