shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
