The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
