I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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