my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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