Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
