Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
