Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
All I want is dick and wine.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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