Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
