Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
