Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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