Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
