morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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