If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
