i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
